So, Iz McAuliffe (@izmc) didn’t only suggest the word “shoes” for a story. She suggested something else as well. I’ll tell you what it was at the end of this one (though my Twitter feed will probably give it away). There’s no title for this one yet – ideas on a postcard, please:
Monday: Lunch with the girls. Had the same thing I always have when we get together. Lin has put on weight, I think. Pregnant? A possibility of sex this evening – Lee seemed in the right frame of mind – but then something or other distracted us. By the time we got around to it, it just didn’t feel right.
Tuesday: Doctor’s appointment today. The usual stuff: weight, blood, urine. They’re worried about my diet again, prescribed some supplements and gave me a jab against some bug or other. Went to bed early this evening, tired from the injection. Lee’s semi drifted away in the small of my back as I fell asleep.
Wednesday: Jan came by this morning with the kids. They’re growing fast, hard work and hungry. Every time I see them, I think of Lee and wonder: will it be our turn soon? Jan may be pregnant again. She’s fatter round the face and got sick soon after they arrived. Her fat face and her fighting children mock me. They may as well just point at me and laugh. Look at her! No babies for her! No chance of a baby, the amount of sex she has with that layabout. Layabout Lee. It suits him.
Thursday: Time to myself today, watching the weather and the wind. The leaves are starting to change. It’s two years since Lee and I had sex.
Friday: Lunch with the girls. Lin not there. Su says she’s at the clinic – another miscarriage. The lost possibility of a child seems more painful than the absence. I can picture the tiny pink form of Lin’s lost baby. I want to smell it, to touch it, to taste it. I do not tell the others.
Saturday: Lee came to me today while I was tidying, bold as you like, an erection like a fencepost and a great smile on his face. He winked at me. I ignored him. Someone has to keep this place clean and I’ve never been one for that kind of spontaneity. Later, though, I felt ready: the warmth rising, my blood flowing, my senses sharpening. This would be a good time. This could be the time. I tried to get Lee back in the mood. He was tired.
Sunday: Some visitors came today. Sometimes I look at them and I don’t care who they are. They’re just people. I sat still and in silence until they went away. Sometimes, I just don’t want to see people. Like sometimes, I just don’t want to see Jan and her babies. Reminders of the things I do not have. I lay next to Lee tonight pretending to be asleep. He was pretending too.
That’s it. That’s your lot. Oh, the word: panda.